Salsa City Forum » News and Chat » Dating and Salsa

Hi Salsafreak79,

You say your boyfriend gives this ultimatum: “but he is making me choose... either him or dancing.”

My short answer would be dump him!

My longer answer: if he really cared for and loved you he would not make you choose either/or, using emotional blackmail.

What else will he use this with in the future if he does not get his own way? I’ve seen it before with guys trying to control their girlfriends, it’s a bad way to start off on a relationship.

Relationships have to be built on a foundation of Trust, Respect and Kindness for each other. Your boyfriend is not showing you these things.

There seems to be a lot of partners on this discussion thread (mainly men) that do not get it.

If Salsa is someone’s passion and second love, trying to stop someone from doing it will ultimately create resentment in the relationship and thus bring forth negative emotions between the two, sooner or later ending the relationship anyway!

Remember Trust, Respect and Kindness!

Thanks Stellan! I completely agree. It saddens me that he does not seem to trust me... Where there is no trust, there is no true love and relationship.

I was a dancer when he met me and now I am not allowed to be a dancer anymore because of HIS jealousy issues. I don’t think it is a fair treatment. Plus, I’ve never given him a single reason not to trust me!

I am going dancing this Thursday and I will enjoy every minute of it. I am doing this for me.

Sounds to me like he needs to grow up. It’s bizarre that he think it’s acceptable to control who you dance with and stifle your development. Does he think it’s the 19th century?

Ha! I’ll ask him that question next time I see him :)

His point of view on relationships is rather traditional and I admit I liked it at first but when we started having this problem, I find myself resenting him every time we fight over it.

I’ve let him win every single time so far (meaning, I was skipping my Salsa Thursdays and spending the evening with him instead or we were going together and dancing only with each other), but I know it’s putting the problem off for later.

We need to compromise or else I’ll be single again. Again, he wants to improve his skills, but he is making me responsible for it. He does not want me to improve mine, unless we’re improving together.

What he hates is seeing me advancing much quicker than him (it’s not my fault!). Why can’t he be happy and proud that he has such skilled dancer for a girlfriend?

It started with Salsa but I’m sure that if I quit dancing he would find other areas to be jealous of. It’s all about insecurity, ego and selfishness.

Funny the different outlook you can get on this subject. It seems most responses are from dancers that are probably not in the same situation.

You seem to have given up on the relationship anyway, but maybe for the best. Have you had many relationships with dancers in the past? Maybe that is part of the issue, it’s a small circuit.

‘Advancing quicker…’, well we all know how easy it is to follow a good lead, are you more advanced when you dance with a beginner? Perhaps you should try leading sometime, it’s a revelation and quite a confidence sapper.

I’m a single mid-twenties girl who loves dancing... ballroom/latin, salsa, swing, argentine tango. Salsa is probably most hyped since it attracts a huge proportion of social dancers, but I can dare say that even argentine tango, or latin can be more sensual. Most women who ‘cheat’ on their husbands/bfs for their dance partners do so because: 1) Girls love a guy who can lead them well, 2) There’s some loneliness they wish to fulfil, or something that lacks in their current relationship, or maybe it’s just more ‘exciting’ to do something different.

It’s easy to point out that a guy should just trust his gf, but we’re all human, I don’t think I could be 0% jealous at all times. We all want to have our own individuality in our relationships, our own space and pursue our hobbies. But at the end of the day, for a relationship to work, the main thing is to compromise. If we’re always so stubborn, then maybe it’s better to be single.

It could be traditional thinking from my (oriental) parents -- my mum saying the girl should give up dancing if the guy doesn’t like it; my dad saying that I should never learn to dance too well, otherwise the guys who like me and can’t dance will get scared. Well, “the guy should put in more effort” was what one guy told me (although he didn’t chase me in the end)... but I guess laziness always takes priority at the end of the day.

I’m not sure what will happen when I finally find a suitable guy to be in a relationship with again (since I took up dancing after my ex-), and it’s easy to say ‘compromise’... I guess every relationship is different so you just have to work it out with your partner and hope it works! =)

Additionally, I have met so many guys through dancing, some who have been interested in me, some whom I’ve flirted with, but at the end of the day, choosing a long-term partner is a careful choice. So guys, if you have the confidence that your gf/wife has made that careful choice to choose you, then be more self-assured and confident that the relationship will work out. Life is too short to keep fearing when we’ll next break up, when we’re gonna die. If it’s meant to be, let it be.

I’ve fallen in love with a woman who has been salsa dancing for a very long time. When we met she didn’t go dancing for the first 3 weeks, but then one night she said she was going dancing and didn’t invite me.

When I met her I knew salsa was a big part of her life, and even though I was jealous, I decided to let her go. She came home late and I was very upset. I told her I don’t want that stress in my life. I am a jealous person. She tried to explain to me all the things that a lot of you salsa people are trying to explain, that “it is just fun” and all that, but the fact is that she would not like it either if I went out all night dancing salsa without her.

I told her I would learn so we can dance together, but she said if she teaches me that I can only dance with her. She later realized that that is ridiculous but it tells me that she is just as jealous as I am. I love this girl and she loves me but it seems to me we will not get through this problem. I’m fine going with her and watching her dance with her friends, but not fine with her going out by herself, and I know she would have the same issues if the roles where reversed.

Obviously there is a lack of trust on both sides. At this point she knows I can’t deal with her going out by herself and she hasn’t done it since, but I feel she may sneak it when I’m out of town or something, which is worse than the dancing (being deceptive).

I understand that you need to give your partner space and let them do their passions but she is knowingly doing something to me she knows she couldn’t deal with herself. Please, I need advice!

I had a girlfriend who was my best friend. She wasn’t the best looking chick on the planet but she made me laugh all the time and her love and affection for me could not be topped. We had so much fun together. I didn’t realise what I had in her.

Then I met a salsa chick. And I got swept off my feet and let go of my girlfriend and started dating salsa chick. At first it was new & exciting. But then I realised - her going to salsa and dancing with all these guys showed how much she actually cared for me. Not as much as my girlfriend. I wish I had never left her and I hope guys that this doesnt happen to you also.

Salsa chicks can say “it’s all for fun” and “it’s just dancing” - but the fact is it’s sanctioned flirting which is playing with fire. It tests relationships and if you’re into that sort of thing good on you but for most people it’s not actually normal to have your partner dance intimately with and let 20 guys put their hands all over her every week.

I want to end this salsa relationship I have. I will never date a salsa chick again. It’s not worth the headache. Or heartache.