Salsa City Forum » News and Chat » Dating and Salsa

After reading Lisa’s post mine seems to be a little insensitive, though I was just attempting to give some good advise albeit from an older blokey perspective!

Bottom line of the thread:

We all just want to have fun (innocently)
Our jealousy is the fruit of personal insecurity
Jealousy is an ugly beast that make most of our relationships brake
We can cheat wherever we are, dancing or not dancing
Love is not owning but allowing the other to blossom in his/her diversity...
Lets continue to dance as WE LIKE IT. If they love us they will accept us!

We are getting a little bit philosophical but I like it...

Good Debate!

Un bacio

This is an old thread but a topic that is obviously very popular. I am in a situation where my wife dances salsa on a high level, and I am a perpetual beginner.

Unfortunately, our relationship started on a bad note when, on our first date she suggested a salsa club. Within moments, she started studying the dancers, but to my surprise was intending to ask the best one. She wanted me to help! I thought, “this girl is so egocentric!” To make a long story short, I didn’t let her love for salsa get in the way of us getting married, although it was a major issue for me. It seemed silly not to marry someone just because they dance salsa.

Well, four years later, and after my intermittent lessons, the situation has not improved. In my naive mind, I never thought a woman would continue to dance salsa despite their spouse not being interested in it. Especially, if her previous marriage was with a salsa king. I have agreed to taking lessons, but I have hobbies of my own, and outside of work, that leaves very little time. Not only does she continue to want to dance salsa at every opportunity, but she expects me to escort her and watch. Some of you may be saying, “so what?” But I think most of you that understand how men think, would consider this difficult to digest.

So most say, “why don’t you take more lessons to reach her level?” I suppose I could, but even if I did, that would not circumvent the progression of salsa, one of which is to do it with as many people as possible to improve. Besides, as working adults with kids, who has the time? And this is why salsa can be so destructive to relationships. It is naive and smug to suggest that only men confident in themselves can tolerate their spouse dancing with any man.

Salsa is not just a dance, and it is not just an activity. It is a sensual dance that escalates with mutual passion by another persons touch and response. Very few activities or hobbies nurture these qualities together. In fact what other activity does this sound like? OK. Maybe that’s a stretch, but not really. I think that it is possible for a (married) couple to stay in a healthy relationship while one is an avid salsa dancer and the other is not. The fact is that it is not easy, and many Salsa dancer seem to discount this issue. Especially when they are trying to explain there passion to non-salsa dancers.

Everyone has their comfort zones with respect to what they can tolerate from their spouse. To suggest that a passion for close contact and coordinated rhythm with a person of the opposite sex, perhaps a stranger, at night, in the midst of blazing-hot salsa is free from misunderstandings is very naive. This hobby is on the edge for couples who don’t share the same interests in salsa. Blessed are those that can overcome such obstacles.

I appreciate that for some people this is a profound and difficult question in their lives but for those who think like me it’s an easy question to answer / situation to deal with! It’s simply a question of balance, trust and tolerance and it is in no way, naive to think so... You either have those very precious attributes or you don’t; If you don’t have them, or share them with your partner, whoever that partner might be (and it makes no difference whether they are male or female) the real question for you is, have you chosen the right partner … and just as importantly, have they?

The fact that one of you is into Salsa and the other isn’t … is irrelevant; Despite the ‘sensual’ look of the dance, it is still a question of trust … For people who trust one another it is just a dance! If a partner were to use dancing Salsa to initiate something that continues off the dance floor, that may be a different scenario. However the problem then would be misplaced trust on your part and not the fact that your partner enjoys dancing. If that were the case it would, in fact be indicative of a greater problem that may exist between you, namely they are not really as committed to you as they might say they are!

Yoot -
Very honest post - can understand the dilema...
They don’t call Salsa the “devils dance” for nothing

Have you tried other dances - maybe tango... where the passion is there... but you can concentrate on learning a new dance together...

Presumably you have talked about this with your wife?

I think Yoot really hit the nail on the head. Most guys that dance salsa are very good person when they started dancing until the girls ditch them on the dance floor and they don’t really care about the etiquette or the decency that was preach to them at the beginning.

It is always funny the way women normally blackmail the guys when the things goes wrong. Unfortunately, they usually the ones that starts the whole thing. If the guys they dance with who is single and like them fail to ask them out, they’ll say he’s a coward. If he does, they’ll say he’s promiscuous; which in any case is catch 22.

Of course, we know what the eventual result is: A lot of single who are in salsa hoping to make friend and have a decent relationship ending up being single after dancing for 16 years with a dance partner who is also single. Yes, people will always get hurt. It happens everywhere (in the church, at work, in the street, at sports club, just name it), but has that stop people entering into relationship.

It amuses me how people demonise the guys that find a woman they like in salsa and decided to enter a relationship with here with hope that they can have all they desire in one place (a dance partner, soulmate, friend etc).

We get over the hypocrisy of what is right and wrong and stop allowing this beautiful young women waste away to see the guys they spent months with learning salsa having a relationship outside, thereby making them a miserable losers.

Regarding the egocentric part of salsa, I had a nasty experience some few weeks ago when I asked one of the girls in the advanced class to dance with me. She obviously doesn’t know me cos I’ve not be around for some time. Instead of her saying yes or no I’m tired, she just asked me: are you a good dancer. I was stunned and of course told her, I was a beginner. As you might expect, she actually turned me down. To teach her a lesson, I asked her what will she do if she find out I’m a good dancer? At that question, she decided to have a dance with me, at which time she discovered that I’m not a beginning and she was grateful for me agreeing to dance with her despite what she did.

This is what the guys experience everyday in salsa and it’s quite interesting to see that every time, the only thing we talk about is the bad guy in salsa. Which is far from being through.

Yes, we have some bad guys in salsa who doesn’t dance. But for a guy to spend 12 - 24 months learning salsa in that unfriendly environment, know that such guy is not there to pick up a girl. If he ask a girl out, it must be because he like the girl (more often than not). Now, if it is right to dance salsa (as intimate as it gets sometime), then asking a girl out in salsa can never be wrong...

Hi guys!

I have never thought that deep in the issue of salsa & dating and I had danced for years ( ballroom & latin dancing) with my boyfriend, but I do really think that you are ALL right...

And after all your points I would just like to make another one: we are what we are. It doesn’t matter if it is in salsa dancing, at work, having a drink or going out to have fun, salsa does not change people. Salsa only shows a part of people that would have been shown in other scenarios if the case. Salsa does not determine relationships. Hobbies do not destroy couples or marriages and do not create them (obviously it could be something working for or against it but that is all... ) so, why don’t you look a bit deep to the root of the problem?

Ps. By the way, I just arrived to Bristol 3 months ago and I would really like to find someone to practise a couple of days per week on a regular basis. So, if any of you feel like giving me a go, email me!

So what if my wife goes dancing 3-5 nights a week, closes bars and says I can’t come because I’m not good enough?

Before I met my boyfriend, I was going out a few times a week to social dance plus I had 2 hours of Salsa classes. When I met him, I cut down the time I spent dancing to 1 time/week.I thought I was lucky, because he loves Salsa and also is into dancing... until he started to get jealous of me dancing with men who were better dancers than him.

I explained to him that it’s the only way for me to get better. He said that he wants to be my best dancer and I should not be dancing with other men (by saying other men he means the pros, instructors etc). It took me less than 1 year to jump from the beginner level to advanced (I was told I’m natural) and he is also jealous about that! He’s been dancing 15 years and now he feels like he is way behind me. If the roles were reversed, I’d be very proud of his achievements... but he is making me choose... either him or dancing.

We have Salsa Thursdays which I love to attend and practice whatever skills I have, but he hates going to those (these nights are full of skilled dancers). He feels insecure about his skills. My instructors advise to dance with as many male dancers as possible to have a better exposure to different leading techniques but unfortunately for me, I can’t continue that as long as I’m with him. He does not to want to see his woman being touched by other men. Of course, he has a list of guys I’m allowed to dance with, but all of them are way below my level now!

Dance is my passion and my second love (and he knows it), but his secret wish is for me to quit it entirely and devote all my time to him, which is not making me to happy. I love my HOBBY, and it’s all it is. I do not use dance to flirt with anyone. I love it, because it challenges me, boosts my energy, and substantially adds to my overall happiness.

I can’t even think about the number of times we’ve talked/fought about it. These do not lead to anything. He believes that Salsa nights are for singles only. Period. All his dancing buddies quit the Salsa scene when they married/got into relationships! This is not what women, who are in a committed relationship, should be doing! And so on...

I’m tired of fighting over it. I am a person who does not like conflicts. What I can’t understand is him being so extremely jealous and possessive. I am not doing anything wrong. I don’t mind when he dances with other women (he stopped doing that and now dances solely with me and requires that I do the same for him).

All I can say is that Salsa and Dating is a bad combo. At least it’s not working out for me :( Not sure what I’m going to do or what can I do about it yet. It is definitely affecting our relationship.

Hi Salsafreak79,

You say your boyfriend gives this ultimatum: “but he is making me choose... either him or dancing.”

My short answer would be dump him!

My longer answer: if he really cared for and loved you he would not make you choose either/or, using emotional blackmail.

What else will he use this with in the future if he does not get his own way? I’ve seen it before with guys trying to control their girlfriends, it’s a bad way to start off on a relationship.

Relationships have to be built on a foundation of Trust, Respect and Kindness for each other. Your boyfriend is not showing you these things.

There seems to be a lot of partners on this discussion thread (mainly men) that do not get it.

If Salsa is someone’s passion and second love, trying to stop someone from doing it will ultimately create resentment in the relationship and thus bring forth negative emotions between the two, sooner or later ending the relationship anyway!

Remember Trust, Respect and Kindness!