Salsa City Forum » Salsa Music and Dance » Refusing a dance...

Hi Jackie,

Yes indeed, there are no mistakes in Salsa, that was the advice that Nathalie once told me. In other words if a move goes wrong you can make another move out of the mistake.

The best way to ask someone is during the class, pick someone who is encouraging or you feel you click with. Good to hear that you’ve recently had some encouragement from others, hopefully you will feel that you can ask them again.

Jackie you’re great fun to dance with, and it is good to see that you’re now getting to dance with a few other guys. I saw you dancing with Tim in O’Neill’s the other night and you really looked to be enjoying yourself. Good for you.

Sorry Dai, I’m useless with names, who’s Tim? Please point him out to me next time we see each other out dancing. And I must add, thank you for those very kind words though I’m still always more comfortable dancing with you, as you will repeat a move for me if I don’t get it lol. To be really fair, I’ve got to know loads of men passionate about salsa who are absolute gems! Still you were my first... Gent that asked me to dance, that is lol. (don’t go breaking out in a sweat) so you will always be special in my eyes.

It is good to encourage beginners and remember that you were once also one. However, there are reasons to refuse dancing with someone, and if done politely people should not take it badly.

I personally get injuries occasionally, and salsa is my life, so although I do my fair share of dancing with ‘everyone’, especially if I am teaching or performing, or if they are my students, as I then feel its my duty, I do not need to be injured by other peoples students that may lead roughly and hurt me so that I end up in bed for 2 weeks. And yes, it has happened to me - twice. So when I am tired, and I am only 2 years off 40 so I do get tired, or if I see the guy yanking someone around, I quite honestly don’t want to risk it.

That doesn’t mean that I am a horrid person it just means that I fail to see why I should take the consequences for someone else’s bad teaching.

If I don’t work I don’t eat, and if I am not working it is not my job to correct someone whilst they are dancing with me, which is something I don’t like to do. Unless someone is my regular student and I know they WANT to know and get better.

There has to be a time for experimental learning and that doesn’t necessarily mean getting things right or being corrected by anyone just having fun.

If all teachers taught people to lead gently I wouldn’t have a problem but this is not always the case. I know it can feel awful to be refused a dance but I think advance dancers should do their fare share and especially should dance with their own students but should not always be expected to dance with every person who asks them.

Interesting post above Prudent.

The vast majority of teachers around the world like to dance with whoever asks (barring as mentioned reasonable excuses such as tiredness, or drunkenness, dangerousness or unwanted over amorousness!) and don’t judge whether or not to dance with a student based on who teaches them or what their current stage of dancing ability is.

Any decent experienced teacher will tell you a students ability is very individual, and doesn’t always depend on the teacher. A teacher can teach all the leads, technique etc under the sun and some students will take longer than others to get there, but the dedicated and determined will get there. So depending on what stage in the students development as a dancer they are at and their individual ability, will affect how their leads and timing are at that particular time. To make a blanket assumption that their teacher must be no good without even knowing the students individual ability or not even knowing who their teacher is (and/or not having been to that teachers class to judge for yourself whether or not they teach correctly) is naïve to say the least. Am sure if some of us teachers danced with another teachers complete beginner students after they had only one lesson, or improver students whose individual ability is such that they were merely just taking a bit longer to get there, and then judged their teachers teaching ability on it then we as teachers would be making a very inexperienced error. Also if we as teachers decided that we wouldn’t dance with other students, who have done nothing wrong but to just want to come out and dance and learn, but didn’t dance with them because they weren’t ‘our’ students and as such their leads and teacher must be bad etc is extremely negative for the salsa scene as a whole.

Students who are learning, whoever their teacher may be, when dancing with us and know that we teach often look to us for guidance. And its our attitude to them that determines whether they will come out again and again and go towards helping build a great salsa scene or jack it all in, thus leaving the dance scene barren. A bit of praise for a learner whoever their teacher may be goes a long way, and if asked, a second or two of constructive advice from a teacher whether they are our students or not can make all the difference.

Also where would the salsa scene be if students developed the same negative attitude but in reverse?, i.e. Well that’s not my teacher so they can’t be any good (without even having tried a lesson with them), and I won’t go watch them perform, won’t go to any of their club nights cos its not my teacher etc?

Fortunately, this is not the case, the vast majority of teachers are in it for the love of dance and the love of the opportunity to give others the chance for dance to change their lives for the better the way it has ours, whoever their teacher may be. And the majority of students seek out different teachers, different dance and club nights and performances to watch to learn and be inspired. As long as teachers and students continue to do that the salsa scene will always survive and always be rich and varied and a great night out for all.

I’m a man, so I ask the ladies is it not nice to be asked?

I’m going to be brutally honest - since I know only a handful of people anyway, I won’t lose any friends through saying this.

1. I find it an unusual pleasure when a lady asks me, which happens far less often than I’d like. I suppose this is to do with convention? (although I’m sure someone will tell me they can’t get to the bar for the line of women blocking his way wanting a dance - that’s not me though).

2. I find it annoying when you ask a lady to dance on several different nights and she always says ‘no’ to you (only 3 ladies do this to me - all in different cities). I find myself questioning what I did to offend them, why they will seemingly dance with anyone else.

3. I find it an inconvienience when a lady takes more than a minute to explain that she can’t dance with me. I don’t care so much to know that (if she wants to talk that’s fine, but perhaps a more timely moment is when I’m having a drink too) - but I do care when all the other possible dance partners have disappeared to dance with someone else. I’m sure the smart person here will tell me I asked at the wrong time, I don’t buy into that though.

4. I’ve been hurt by women who do not follow as I would expect, and I do not like this as I’m not insusceptible to pulled muscles - but I have never decided to stop dancing with them in the future (although I will admit I have on occasion watching them dance with someone else so I know what I’m getting into and what they might do that could be unexpected).

5. I’ve stopped just one dance in the past year - I asked a girl if she danced Salsa and our versions of Salsa were somewhat different. I couldn’t claim mine was text-book, but hers wasn’t even in the dictionary - so to speak. This was probably my own stupidity - I liked the way she looked and decided that since no one else was asking I would ask her to dance.

Scoff and snigger all you like but everyone can have an opinion even if it’s a little misguided or skewed

Been refused when asking somebody to dance... It happens to us all surely. My first salsa congress was Blackpool 2007 and I remember vividly being on the train and hearing a girl saying she wasn’t going to dance with any beginners. Well at that point I was still a beginner, but I’m not now! So should I refuse her a dance if she was to ask me now? Probably not, because I’m far too polite and I’m a firm believer in the rule never turn down a dance. Even if I’m tired and rubbish - just smile and keep going till you slip out for some air and a stretch!!!

I would just like to add one more point to this thread and not to cause another debate but just to give an opinion.

I have been dancing salsa on and off for 3 years, I have travelled all over the country and go abroad a lot as well to dance. Without wanting to sound arrogant I can honestly say I have danced with some of the best dancers in the world and also some of the worst.

The truth is, for all its splendour and wonderfulness, the salsa scene is actually quite fake and sadly wherever u go there will always be people that say no out of rudeness or arrogance.

It would be great if everyone danced with each other and helped each other but they don’t. Salsa is also very clicky (the more advanced you get) which puts a lot of people off.

Getting refused a dance happens to all of us and no, it’s not pleasant, but it’s all part of it, so don’t take it personally. Just move onto the next person.

I’ve found those that say no (for a non legitimate reason) are usually not worth dancing with anyway. They’re the ones that don’t even look at you when they’re dancing and are too busy trying to show off they’re fancy footwork or something.

Hold on to the fact that salsa should be fun and have a laugh!

The rest isn’t worth it :)

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some of my closest friends through salsa, in fact, my best friend, but take it for what it is and enjoy it.

I say no if I’m exhausted but I will always try and dance with that person later on in the evening.