Salsa City Forum » Salsa Music and Dance » Refusing a dance...

Hi everyone. I know this is a well discussed topic but can I re open it to get an idea of what people think the scene is like in Cardiff.

To set the scene... After the classes last Thursday in Risa I noticed a rather good dancer refuse to dance with a girl who crossed the floor to ask him (I think she was in the improvers class). IMHO surely the only excuse a guy can have for saying no when a lady asks him for a dance is a broken leg or extreme exhaustion!? Am I alone in this view?!!

I know its the naughties but c’mon guys, is chivalry really that dead...??

It’s best not to refuse a dance, but who ever knows what’s going on in someone else’s head. I once refused to dance in exactly this situation but the track was music I just couldn’t dance to. I can’t remember why; maybe too fast or maybe not even salsa. I still feel guilty about it.

I was out in La Tasca’s a week last Saturday and I asked a woman that was sitting next to a man I recognised, (he is a Salsa teacher) if she would dance with me.

She said no. (Works both ways ‘Round we go’)

I was surprised by her answer but as Hugh said you don’t know what is going on in some one’s head; but rest assured, the person who is refused a dance never forgets... ever.

Had a good time though, nice to catch up with people I haven’t seen for a longwhile.

Ya I agree Jeff it definitely works both ways. As a guy I’ve had that happen too and your right you never really forget...! In fact the very first person, apart from people I know, that I built up the courage to ask to dance... said no!! Took a while to get over! :)

I was only making the point that I would, if at all possible never refuse a woman if she asked me to dance as I consider it rude.

I know people say not to take it personally and I agree you don’t really know what’s going on in someones head, but as the “refused” its hard not to! I suppose I felt sorry for that girl as I know as a beginner that its bound to knock your confidence.

Hey Guys...

We have all been there... most of us have a story like this but as has been mentioned you never know what’s going on in the persons head... there could be a very genuine and innocent reason for a refusal. The ultimate insult of course is when a person is turned down by someone only for that person to accept a dance two seconds later from someone else... I have seen that happen it’s happened to most of us at some stage in our dance cycle and there’s nothing more disheartening. Strange thing is it’s the people that do that who complain the most that there aren’t enough ‘good dancers’... well if they aren’t going to encourage and help people then there never will be!!!

To sum it up my favourite sign that I saw at a salsa place... in fact I think I will have a t shirt printed with this on and/or have this put up at No 10...

‘Remember the beginner you dance with today may be your favourite dancer of tomorrow ’...

(Hmm... maybe a bit too to long to put on a t shirt!!)

WW.

Just to give insight into why a dance may be refused in my six years of experience and some recent examples. I normally do all I can to accept a dance with a lady, if asked but have already said yes to someone else I normally try to dance the next one with the girl asking (as long as she does not go and dance with someone else as sometimes happens, I take no offence to this). Sometimes though after dancing five, six and sevens dances in a row, however fresh you might look, you just have to say no and say you are resting till the next song. Sometimes I have felt a painful twinge in my knee, back, neck, etc, then I will say no, from someone looking from the outside, they might think you are being rude but in truth you are just looking after yourself.
In some recent experiences I have had to give all three reasons and say no or not this one but the next. It happens, as you dance more and more you will get used to this and take much less offence, especially when you are the one having to say no. If the reasons are more personal I usually will tell the person concerned straight to their face my reasons if they want to know them.
Other reasons again from recent experiences on a female side saying no are, when a friend of mine said no to a man because he had been very rough with her the previous time he had danced with her, ‘he nearly broke my shoulder’ being a quote. Another example, a female friend had a man kissing her shoulder each time he dipped her, she did not know him and had asked him not to do it.
Why do men think they can get away with this sort of behavior, it’s not charming or sexy or cheeky, it’s damn right creepy, slimy and totally uncalled for. I do not blame women saying no to these sorts of men and I would actively encourage them to say no.
Other reasons we will all share at some point for saying no: - to dangerous people, people trying to do complex moves but unable to safely lead them (men being the main culprits), drunk people, people with hygiene issues, inappropriate behavior……
In my opinion everyone, men and women have the right to say no for whatever reason, whenever they like. Yes, people should remember their roots and how they were helped to start dancing when they started. I think to a great degree most people do and are pretty good at accepting dances from beginners upwards. One should still retain the right to say no and not be judged for it, made to feel guilty or have it held against them forever and a day.

Phew Stellan, that took some reading :-), I agree with what you posted. Maybe I should have explained a little bit more clearly; the reason why the refused person never forgets who refused them is, in my opinion, based on how the refusee (?) refuses the person who is asking (clear? :-) ).

If the person refusing the dance says something like “No sorry, I don’t like this song” or “Maybe next time, I’m tired” or “I’m having a rest” then that’s fine, no problemo. The issue I had with the person who refused was because the answer simply was a flat “No”. That’s what peeved me off a bit; I think that if a guy/girl makes the effort to walk over to someone and stand there asking them for a dance the least they could do is give a reason why they don’t won’t to (even if it’s a white lie). A callous answer simply makes the askee (?) wish they never bothered in the first place. (It’s a good job I don’t make a habit of asking people to dance :-) )

Stellan, the lady that was with you, I’m glad to say, was very gracious in accepting my invitation.

Like I said in the previous post, I didn’t let it get to me on the night and I had a great time and a few enjoyable dances.

I disagree - I think a straight answer (delivered pleasantly) is better than pretending to be tired if you’re not. None of us like being refused but you just have to live with it. Also, as Stellan has pointed out, some men deserve to be refused.

I guess it’s just you and me that think the same ‘Round we go’ ;-)

Ok, here’s a female perspective.

I agree that it is harsh when we, male of female, get knocked back for a dance but like Stellan has said, everyone has the right to say no, for whatever reason but I am a firm believer in saying yes, or trying to, say yes to anyone and everyone who asks me.

It depends why the person is refusing a dance and in what whay its done.

There are some people I will refuse to dance with. This is because they have either physically hurt me before, are dangerous, or have sleazed on me. All of these are legitimate reasons to say no.

The only other time I say no is if I’m exhausted but I will always try and dance with that person later on in the evening.

In all honesty, there are some people I don’t enjoy dancing with at all, I’m sure this can be said for everyone, but we all still dance with them as it’s polite and friendly and like Welsh Wizard said we were all beginners once. What may not be an ejoyable dance for some might be the best dance all night for someone else so we should all be gracious.

Dancing should be fun after all. If someone doesn’t wanna dance, that’s fine but be nice about it. Being damn right rude is just harsh.

Treat others how u want to be treated.

Lisa :)